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If you are pregnant, or ever have been pregnant, you know what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the “jaw on the floor” questions, the “I cannot believe you just said that” comments, and the generally offensive word vomit that tends to ensue when others interact with you.
If you’ve never been pregnant, odds are you’ve been an offender. I know I was. So don’t worry, you’re in good company.
I’m just saying, change your ways. Yesterday.
So here we go – the top 10 things you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman.
1.) “Omg – you’re sooooo big!!”
I get this one a lot. Usually when I run into someone I haven’t seen in a while.
From which I can only conclude that me being pregnant just makes people uncontrollably awkward and forget all other socially acceptable salutations. IE: “Hi! How are you?”
On the outside, I remain calm. But on the inside, I’m all,”Really? I’m soooo big??? Welp, I’m not 3 and I’m definitely not training for the crossfit games, so ‘Big’ is not a compliment. In this case, ‘Big’ is just your horrible attempt at making conversation and proof that your vocabulary is subpar. <<< ok that was harsh. I didn’t mean it. But… serrrrrriously!!!
A la Missy Misdemeanor Elliot (so timely with her superbowl halftime show, which I LOVEEED) – let’s take this thing down, flip it, and reverse it — what if I said that to you? “OMG you’re soooooo big – Christmas wasn’t kind to you – was it?”
Doesn’t feel so great, am I right?
2.) “You’re soooooo tiny!!”
I’ll admit it. I made this mistake. Once. And hopefully reading this saves you from making it too.
If a woman is pregnant and looks to be “tiny”… she may be working out and eating Greek yogurt all-day-every-day. She may just have incredible genes. That’s great for her. Or it’s possible that her baby is measuring small. Or she may have low amniotic fluid. Both of which are fine, and can result in perfectly healthy babies, but they’re stressful conditions nontheless.
The thing is – you don’t know.
In which case, you either just gave her the nicest compliment of her life, or you just opened up a can of worms that she probably doesn’t want to talk about.
Take it from me, unless she’s your BFF who shares every intimate detail of her pregnancy with you, it’s better not to comment on a pregnant woman’s size – large or small.
3.) “You look really tired!”
That would be because I am. My body hurts. I am forced to sleep on my side. If I don’t sleep on my side, there are a million websites that say I might suffocate my baby (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, read here). That – alone – is enough to keep anyone up at night. Anyhow, to ensure that I do not suffocate my baby, I sleep with a million pillows to keep me on my side – my left side to be exact. My bed now resembles a fort. And the icing on the cake? I have to get up to pee every two hours. No REM sleep going on here. So YES, I am tired.
4.) “Sleep while you can!”
Often said to me by mothers with children. Which absolutely blows my mind. In my head I’m thinking – “You’ve been here, you’ve been pregnant! You know how the sleep is – or I guess really how it’s not.”
You’re absolutely incorrectly assuming that I am sleeping now (see #3).
You know what happens when you assume, right?
And can we please just pretend that I’m not going to die of sleep deprivation once this child comes? Please?
Just humor me.
5.) ”You must be due any day now, huh?”
This one is mostly from strangers, which again, BLOWS MY MIND.
I’m sorry grocery check out line man, it is none of your business when I am due. And FYI, I’m not due for another TWO MOTNTHS. TWO MONTHS. Wrap your head around that buddy. This child (which is currently the size of a pineapple— aka HUGE) is about to double in size, I have another 10 pounds to gain, and you — well you should be ashamed of yourself.
I’m now taking my five pints of ice cream to isle 2. Take that!!!
6.) “Twins?”
Shut your mouth – shut it right now!
Yes. People actually say this.
So I, personally, haven’t gotten this one… yet. But it happened to one of my close girlfriends and she dealt with it with far more tact than my hormonal self could even attempt to muster right now. We’re talking assault and battery here people.
Ok – well not really – but…
So this is a public service announcement to all of you people out there who think that you know what a woman carrying twins looks like: SHHHHHHHHH… PLAY THE QUIET GAME!!!
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt”
^^^^^ Wise, wise words my friends.
7.) “Should you be flying?”
hahahhahaha
This is about to be an awkward flight, because YES I should be – and NO I’m not moving.
“Oh – no worries Sir, it’s totally fine. I hear they offer in flight delivery now” — smile, put on your headphones and nonchalantly leaf through your VOGUE.
NBD
8.) “Look at your belly!”
I do – every day. It’s actually the reason I can’t look at my feet anymore, so hey – there’s a fun fact for you.
9.) “That’s decaf right?”
It’s actually a quad grande white chocolate mocha – and I asked that they really go heavy on the QUAD. Want a sip?
It’s pretty common knowledge that we pregnant ladies should be limiting our caffeine intake, but everyone has a cup of coffee or green tea once in a while.
And that is OK. As to what is in my cup – none ya!
Ok guys – we’re at #10 – and I left the best for last…
10.) “Your face is really filling out – it looks so much better than it used to.”
Thanks?
I don’t know how it is possible that you just called me fat and ugly in one sentence, but you managed it.
You probably shouldn’t worry about this one, because this was said to me by one of my husband’s family members. A family member, who to be quite honest, I absolutely adore.
He didn’t mean it like it came out. In fact, he tried to stop himself mid sentence.
It was definitely one of those jaw on the floor moments.
So since we just went over what not to say, here is what you should say…
When a woman is pregnant, truthfully, there is only one thing she wants to hear. It comes in the form of “You look incredible… You’re glowing… You’re absolutely stunning pregnant.”
Nothing more, nothing less.
I think Shakespeare said it best: “Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman scorned.”
I kid. I kid.
Other things people say that make my face get hot:
– It’s like you popped overnight
– When are you going back to work? Or alternatively – you’re going to stay at home right?
– You sure you want that cookie? – or anything about my food choices really
– It’s just your hormones
– I knew a guy named {insert future child’s name here}… he was such an a$$
Have any of you experienced these things? If so – we’d love to hear!
